The Evolution of a Poem

This poem went through four reviews and rewrites. I think the process worked and I really like the final version. Each of those versions are shown below to show the progression and for you to judge is it ended up where it should have. I guess it just takes this type of work to get a good result. Scan through and see what you think.

Version 1

Morning –

He was aware of pain in his knee on the pillow top mattress.

Open eyed, the gray light made brighter by the new fallen snow flowed into the room and said early in the morning, the clock said 4:23.

Dozing images came of purple leaves and three drops of blood on an aqua background, the sensation of running up hill, a close-up of sand on rough Macadam, at the top of the hill a silent windmill, sea foam on a winter beach, the amber of marmalade on white bread.

She had pulled the blanket; he sensed the cold leaking in to his back.

What would she do in the new day?
What would they do in the new day?
What could he do in the new day?

Version 2 -

Mourning –


Awakened, he felt of pain in his knee and touched his wrist to be sure of the pacemaker steadied pulse rate

The gray light filtered through the falling snow flowed into the room and said early in the morning, the clock said 4:23.

Dozing - images drifted through his mind –
A dusting of white sand on dark Macadam
The sensation of running up hill,
At the top of the hill a silent, dark windmill,
Dried purple leaves and three drops of blood on an aqua background,
Sea foam on a winter beach,
The deep amber of dried marmalade.

She had pulled the blanket;
He sensed the cold leaking in to his back.

What would she do in the new day?
What would they do in the new day?
What could he still do in the new day?

Version 3 -

Evolution in the AM –

His eyes opened and he sensed her sweat and perfume on his skin.

A soft warm breeze came and went through the open windows.
For him this was early morning – for the clock 10:16 AM.

Images floated in his head -

Turquoise water lapping on white sand

The slow dance of grain in a sunny field
Pure whitewashed walls and blue tile roofs
Warm coffee and soft rolls
A long note drawn on a cello
A steady light in the distance

They had pushed off the sheet.
Their bodies in rest were nude.

What would she do in the new day?

What would they do in the new day?

What could he do in the new day?

His dream brought him awake with his muscles tense.

The black of night enclosing them said late night –
The clock said 12:13 AM

His mind pulsed with images –
A white carnation
A small wet footprint
Tumbled sand in a sand box

The crackle of an airport loudspeaker

Words moving across the screen
Icons to be learned

She rolled over in her sleep.
He felt her warm knee brush his thigh.

What would she do in the new day?
What would they do in the new day?
What could he do in the new day?

Awakened, he felt the pain in his knee and touched his wrist to be sure of the pacemaker steadied pulse.

The gray light filtered through the falling snow flowed into the room and said early in the morning - the clock said 4:23 AM.

Dozing - images drifted before his eyes –
A dusting of white sand on dark macadam,
The sensation of running up hill,
At the top of the hill a silent, dark windmill,
Dried purple leaves and three drops of blood on an aqua background,
Sea foam on a winter beach,
The deep amber of dried marmalade on white bread.

She had pulled the blanket,
He sensed the cold leaking in to his back.

What would she do in the new day?
What would they do in the new day?
What could he do in the new day?

Version 4 - Final Version

AM –

His eyes opened and he sensed her sweat and perfume on his skin.
A soft warm breeze came and went through the open windows.
For him this was early morning – for the clock 10:16 AM.
.       Turquoise water lapping on white sand
.       The slow dance of grain in a sunny field
.        Pure whitewashed walls and blue tile roofs
.        Warm coffee and soft rolls
.        A long note drawn on a cello
.        A steady light in the distance
They had pushed off the sheet.
Their bodies in rest were nude.

His dream brought him awake with his muscles tense.
The black of night enclosing them said late night –
The clock said 12:13 AM
.        A white carnation      
.        A small wet footprint
.        Tumbled sand in a sand box
.        The crackle of an airport loudspeaker
.        Words moving across the screen
.        Icons to be learned
She rolled over in her sleep.
He felt her warm knee brush his thigh.

Awakened, he felt the pain in his knee and touched his wrist to be sure of the pacemaker steadied pulse.
The gray light, filtered through the falling snow, flowed into the room and said early in the morning - the clock said 4:23 AM.
.        A dusting of white sand on dark macadam,
.        The sensation of running up hill,
.        At the top of the hill a silent, dark windmill,
.        Dried purple leaves and three drops of blood on
.               an aqua background,
.        Sea foam on a winter beach
.        The deep amber of dried marmalade on white bread.
She had pulled the blanket,
He sensed the cold leaking in to his back.

Well, there they are. Do you think the changes were right?